Hi, My Name Is Olivia And I’m An Alcoholic

Authored by Olivia

Watching distressed movie characters downing pills with a glass of wine had an impact on me. Before I ever tried alcohol, I understood that people used it for emotional regulation. It had not yet occurred to me that some people have the pleasure of regulating in other ways that don’t involve substances.

I struggle with OCD, anxiety, depression, ADHD, and PMDD. When all of these combine, I’m thrown into a state of tension that is so strong I can’t physically move sometimes. But the second I sipped a strong drink, I felt every muscle and organ decompress from its previously rock-hard state. Unfortunately, I can’t stop after one sip. 

In early 2023, I incurred a daily struggle of needing something to look forward to at the end of the day. I was comforted by the idea of getting numb after work. Then, when I was off work in the summer, my schedule no longer required that I wait to drink. Nor did my schedule require that I wake or sleep with any sort of regular schedule. Things got out of hand. 

At the time, it seemed there was an angel on my shoulder saying, “Wow, you are really sick and hurting right now.” Then the devil says, “Wow, look at everyone you're hurting.” Both statements are valid but neither resulted in change until my family spoke up to me about my habits.

Addiction isn’t just killing people’s bodies, but their souls. This is why there’s so much addiction symbolism in horror films because it’s like being possessed by a demon. You’re presenting in human form, but your soul feels like it is in hell. (Watch Mike Flanagan’s work if you’re interested in horror with themes of addiction.)

Additionally, one can’t exorcise one's own demon alone. It takes a village to rehabilitate an alcoholic. The support I’ve received can only be reciprocated by me living a proper life. The village stepped in and they expected nothing in return--except the hope of keeping my light alive. To keep my light from being stolen or damaged by my disease. 

I am very much in the puberty stages of sobriety. I definitely find myself resisting the pull towards grocery store beer coolers, not out of temptation but habit. Now, instead of feeling weak and tethered to the drink, I feel pride in breaking free from the shackles of addiction.