Humbling Pajamas

Authored by Kristi

    Mental health facilities have clothing rules to keep patients from hurting themselves. There are other preventative measures. Shoelaces nor drawstrings are allowed. Cutlery is very thin, making it more difficult for patients to harm themselves or others. Recessed shower heads do not provide a space for hanging... anything. No shoes with soles are allowed--only slippers or socks. Family or friends are allowed to bring personal items to the facility that follow the facility rules. 

    When I was in the behavioral health facility (such an acceptable name), I asked my husband to bring me a specific pair of draw-stringed pajamas. I did not realize that the flimsy drawstring would be challenged. I wanted to wear those pajama bottoms. Those pajamas never held such a place in my heart until I was told by the intake clinician that I would not be allowed to wear them as they were. 

    I looked at the technician. "Really?" I said.  She nodded. Cutting out the drawstring really pissed me off. It felt like a door slamming. It reminded me of where I was. Up till then, I could pretend I was away at summer camp. After that removal of free will, it felt very much not like summer camp.

    Even though I was slightly sedated, I felt the tiniest bit of rage. I had no agency over what I was wearing. Closer to 50 years old than 40, and I couldn't be trusted with my pajama pants. After a deep sigh, I let her snip out the drawstring. The rage I felt was being projected from my own disappointment in myself. How could I be in a situation where I couldn't be trusted with drawstring in pajama pants.

    I still have those pajama pants. Every time I see them, I think of the missing red drawstring. I don't remember another thing that I wore in the facility. Not one thing. But I remember those pants. 

    Those pants are pictured in neon above. The actual fabric is standard blue with a lighter shade of blue dots. There is a little red icon of a sail on the left hip; you can barely see it in this picture. The red sail matched the red drawstring that is no longer in the waistband of these pants.

   When I pull those pants out of the dryer, fold them, or choose to wear them--I think about why the holes are there. The pants don't trigger me in a bad way. I just remember. I pause. These pants are super soft, and I worry about wearing them down to threads. I suppose if I wear them out, that is a good sign that I have put those excruciating days behind me. These pants have become a source of pride and gratitude, representing survival of very dark days.